I like food, and I can admit it freely. I am a control freak, and I can also admit to that. I am also a recovered anorexic. If you have ever had anorexia touch your life, you know that it is not only about food, but that it is motivated by control. My anorexia was halted by the news that I was pregnant in 1996. For as much as I was an inner train-wreck at that time, I could at least look past my own neurosis to realize I had to eat for this baby’s sake. So I ate. A lot. I gained 50 lbs. to make sure my child would be born healthy. I had an excuse to control my eating in the polar opposite direction to give this child a healthy start in life. And it worked. I let go of the self-imposed stigma pertaining to eating, and I let go of the unhealthy obsession with being coat-hanger thin. Once this little boy started to eat real food, I had to finally cook. It’s really easy to not learn to cook when you don’t ever bother to eat more that a saltine cracker or 2, and a glass of milk every day.
The problem was that while I cooked healthy food for my little family, I began to eat in larger quantities than ever before in my life. I gave myself permission to overeat on a regular basis and ended up getting way too heavy to feel good about myself. For 16 years now, I have been overweight. I have also been afraid to lose that weight. Know why? Yup, you guessed it. I still have panic attacks and control freak issues. This means that I am afraid to diet because I will end up right back where I started. I don’t want that. I have told myself for these past 16 years that I would rather be fat and happy than thin and miserable. It stops me dead in my tracks every time.
My New Year’s resolutions for 2011 and 2012 both included trying to lose 1 pound per month. I figured if I did it the slow and steady route, I wouldn’t land myself back in Anorexiaville. That calculated move worked to a degree. Over the first year, I actually lost 14lbs. Yay for me! During 2012 it didn’t work out so well. I merely held steady over the year and contemplated Weight Watchers, or Zoomba, or something to jump start it again without going overboard. But when I would make the effort to try one, Anorexiaville keep throwing up these huge flashy billboards, and arrows pointing to JUST STOP EATING banners. I always look away quickly and then go find the chocolate chip cookies.
When 2013 rolled around, I made the resolution to give it another try. It hasn’t been working out so well. And now we are drawing to a close on the year, and I’m trying to decide a new approach. I’ve been looking into lots of diets; Paleo, Vegan, Clean Eating, South Beach, Weight Watchers…I just want to change my life not follow someone’s dogma. So I’m throwing that all out and starting over.
Simple calorie counting. There’s an app for that.