life:: my top 7 reasons why school needs to be back in session…NOW

Oh yeah, it’s time for the kids to go the hell back to class.

Most of my reason are due to insane phone calls I receive from my son while I am at work and he is lounging about the house playing video games and whatnot.

All true.  Unfortunate, but true.

7) ring…ring

Me    “Hello my son.”

Him    “I’ve learned to identify transvestites and will never accidentally bring one home to meet you and dad because I don’t want to date girls with junk.”

Me  ”Pisshh…um…thank you because it was keeping me up at night?  Please find something to watch instead of Jerry Springer.”

6) ring…ring

Me    “Talk to me Goose.”

Him   ”I have concluded that on it’s current course, and if evolution really works; people, you know ‘we’ as the human race, will one day become the thingys that were under Jabba the Hut’s throne room from Star Wars.  I just don’t see any other outcome Mom.”  

Me   “I gotta go, please don’t burn down my house before 5 pm.”

5) ring…ring

Me   ”What up Chicken Little?”

Him    “Hey..um…Mom?  I love you Mom.  I also need $300 on your credit card to pre-order a video game.  But please, before you say no, it’s a really great deal.  Hear me out.  First, it’s a collectors’ item.  It’s such an awesome full package that it even includes a treasure chest, a real cloth map, and get this…a bobblehead!”

Me   “Oooo a REAL CLOTH map & a BOBBLEHEAD?  Collectors’ item?  THREE HUNDRED dollars for a video game? Go feed the cats and take out the trash.”

4)  ring…ring

Me   ”Hey Bud-dy!”

Him   ”How would you go about judging how much is a tablespoon?”

Me   ”Are you cooking something?  In the kitchen?  My kitchen?”

Him  ”Well duh”

Me   ”Look up.  There is this thing called a pot rack directly overhead.  Hanging from a hook in the front is a whole bunch of cute little graduated spoons on a ring.  Use the biggest one marked TABLESPOON.  That one should work, maybe.  I repeat, please do not burn down my house before I get home.”

3)  ring…ring

Me   ”What’s up Buttercup?”

Him    ”Oh God Mom, Buttercup…really?  Anyway, I’m bored.  What can I DO?”

Me   ”Switch the laundry, feed the cats, get the mail, take out the trash, do something about that disgusting hairball stopping up your shower, water the garden, pull weeds…would you like me to go on?”

Him  ”Mom.  MOM!  I…can’t hear…you.  You’re…breaking..up…Mom!  Mom! I guess…I’ll try…to…call…you back.  Mom? Are you there…?”  

then click.  silence.

We were both on LAND LINES….grrrrr…that kid!!!!!

2) ring…ring

Me   ”Hey kiddo, what up?”

Him   ”Check this out Mom.  I was super interested in a movie in the living room and you will never guess what I did!”

Me  ”Oh God…what?”

Him  ”If I stand in the hallway where I can still see the TV, I can pee into the hall bathroom and not miss any of the movie.  Oh, and I didn’t miss the toilet either.  Seriously.  It was so cool Mom, like parkour for peeing.  I am a parkour master at peeing.  It was awesome!”

Me   ”Dude, that’s why they make a PAUSE BUTTON on the remote.  That’s the little button that looks like…nevermind.   I am NOT cleaning it up if you miss.”

…and the #1 reason my kid needs to go back to class…

Memes

As I cooked dinner last night, I tried to explain these very funny memes to my son.

Funny, no?

And all he could do was look at me incredulously and utter these words.

“YOU know what the word MEME means?”

As if.

Yes you little shit, I AM COOL ENOUGH to know what a MEME IS!

Ding. Frickin. Ding.

School is now in session.