Seriously y’all, I think I’m gonna melt!
Remind me again why I moved home. please. The weather in the southern Ohio forest for 10 years was sunshine and rainbows compared to the violent mood swings of the Great Plains. I can’t take this heat. Global warming ain’t real my ass!
My car AC can’t keep up. I know it works because on Monday morning it was a fog machine. Note to self :: I really need to find a mirrored disco ball to hang from the rear-view. Today driving home in 100+ temps, not so much.
Like most staff accountants, I work in Cubemenistan. My cube is near the lobby, which puts me in no-man’s-land where the indoor weather is concerned. I am caught directly in the line of fire between the cold-camp and the vast expanse that is the lobby-of-fire. I can pretty much count on wearing a tank top and a parka to work year round. That’s cube-speak for a twin set y’all. Because I am just another casualty of Thermostat Wars, I also keep a mini-fan on my desk and a mini-space heater under it. Most days, I can temper the onslaught of enemy fire with my accessories. I count that as a win.
Today was no different from most. The cold-camp revolted and the lobby-o-fire brigade retaliated. I turned on my fan and listened to Gwen Stefani profess her love of Harajuku Girls on my iPod, and continued to toil away. The thermometer continued to rise and the cold-camp played the trojan horse card. Corporate espionage at it’s finest…sending in reinforcements from the other side of the building to nonchalantly switch the temp and escape unnoticed. Except by me, because I sit directly in front of said thermostat. Which is precisely why I am a silent member of the UN. I refuse to take sides.
I had moved on to taking a ride on the wild side with Motley Crue and a crazy-huge spreadsheet, and it volleyed back and forth for 5 hours or so. Like I said, not much different from most days. What I didn’t realize before I left was that I could barely feel my toes.
I got myself out the door at the hottest part of the day, and yet it didn’t feel too bad. I got to my car and I could suddenly feel my toes. I opened the windows and thought, hmmm…I guess it got pretty warm after all today. But it’s not so bad, I’ll just kick off my shoes. I like to drive barefoot. Unless it’s illegal, then I totally never do that.
I believe now that I had merely been lulled into a near coma from the icy air in the office.
It took me a minute to get all my gear stashed on the passenger seat, and suddenly it was STIFFLING HOT in my car. But my shoes are off and the windows are open…? It got even HOTTER as I turned the key and OMG the AC was a BLAST FURNACE at first. So the hair went up. In a chip clip. Not a pretty sight, but functional. (How does a chip clip get into the car you ask? Have a teenager and you will be amazed at the strange and wonderful things you find in even stranger and not-so-wonderful places. Heck, it applies to just about any-aged kid.)
I got about 4 blocks away from the parking lot, and UNHOLY HELL I’m gonna BURST INTO FLAMES. I checked all the dash buttons…the AC was still spewing MOLTEN LAVA, but it was on. The the parka came off because who needs this many layers? I hopped on the freeway and hiked up my long skirt into a mini skirt. Dear God why won’t it cool down already? And then sweet relief came, the AC started to make a difference. Not much of a difference mind you, but a noticeable difference none the less. I was still sweating, but in
anticipation of the relief my delirium, I was seeing an ice cream truck at the end of this tunnel of fire. And I waited…and I waited…and it sort of got a little cooler…and I was wondering what can I peel off next while doing 70mph in the hammer lane?
Quiet Riot was on screaming at me to BANG YOUR HEAD…and then I started wondering if I could pass my unmentionables off as driving in a bikini because for once in my life they matched today…
**And then I got the mental picture of sweaty me in my underwear and a chip clip in rush hour traffic and I had suddenly become that girl. You know the one. She belongs on the People of Walmart. How did I let that spiral so far out of control? Gee thanks inner-voice, I hate you. Thank you even more inner-picture-menu, I LOVE you for pulling me back off the ledge. **